My first love was not your typical Notebook love story, I honestly didn't really know what love was. As a child I was a victim of abuse and that distorted my perception of love. I truly believed that love was a matter of fighting and making up over and over again. Always walking on egg shells, I was told what to wear, who to hang out with, and what to do or not do. I felt like I had no voice but I did everything he said because I believed he was the "man" in the relationship and as a child I was taught that the man takes care of the woman. This relationship went on for about three years. I was head over heels even after he cheated on me a month into dating. The cheating continued numerous times and for some reason I didn't want to leave. My friends were supportive at first, but after a while, they sounded like a broken record. They kept giving me the same advice until one day they just stopped answering when I was venting. I was embarrassed and felt alone ashamed, and abandoned. I wanted my friends to like him but I knew they wouldn't if I kept telling them how much we argued and how he would yell and punch himself. Towards the end of our first year together, he got into drugs. There were a few times that he lost control and next thing you know he's saying "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again". First my heart ached, then it was my body. One time, I tried to leave him and he tried throwing me off his apartment balcony.
Towards the end of our second year, he became an addict. It came to a point that he had to choose me or the drugs. He cried and said that he couldn't choose me because I would leave him one day and the drugs wouldn't. I was lost and trying to find myself when I decided to try something new and compete for Miss Hawaii Teen USA. This upset him, of course because he couldn't stand me being in front of people, especially men. The night that I won the crown, everyone that came to support me was overjoyed. When my boyfriend came to hug me he cried and said that now he will lose me. He took a wonderful moment of my life and made it about him. That is when I learned that I couldn't move forward and rise up if I was constantly being pulled down.
What followed was a few failed attempts at finding new love. I was never single for more than a few months. I would always find a new lover just so I wouldn't feel alone. It took me a long time to realize that my relationships were overshadowing who I was.
I am proud to say now, eight years later, that I am finally a single empowered woman. I have no desire to meet anyone right now because I am in the middle of taking on one of the biggest challenges of my life. After much heartache and searching for love I am taking the time to find myself and stand on my own two feet without depending on anyone. Finally, I am ready to share my story. This is the story that I never told anyone for years because I was ashamed of who I was. I once read a quote "Empowered women empower women". My goal now is to share my story and ask for other women who went through or are still going through similar situations to take a stand. Share your story, don't be ashamed. You can do it but it will take time, strength, and of course the power of positivity.